I really hope I am some undiscovered/undiagnosed idiot savant or something…so at least all this pain and misery would make sense and that it might actually amount to something and not be for not. But my fear is that I will most likely spend the rest of my life doing some meaningless job just so I can pay the bills and “work towards retirement” – what is the point of that really? Is it asking too much to want a meaningful life and career? I know some will argue that life is beautiful and that living in-and-of-itself is enough reason to live, but I don’t quite agree with that.
To pacify myself, I hold on to the thought (or delusion) that perhaps I do have some great talent or contribution yet to offer this world. One of my “delusions of grandeur” is that a screenplay I have been writing might actually be made into a movie. How crazy is that? But it is one of the few things that keeps me hanging on.