Either or...continued
After the third day of being in the adult day care…I had had enough and decided that I was going to end my miserable existence that day as I just couldn't take it anymore. So, on the way home I stopped by the liquor store to purchase some “liquid courage” and a nice cigar. That was the plan…what wasn’t the plan, however, was for my friend to be home early from her clinical rotation…she wasn’t due back for another 4 hours…4 hours being plenty of time for me to get my drink on and do the deed. In light of this, for whatever reason my mind was still made up…I think because I had been pondering this for two weeks and since I had finally made “the mental commitment” that this was it, there was no turning back. When I walked in she was was downstairs napping.
My first mistake was drinking (no make that guzzling) Jake Daniels when I had not really had much to eat for several days…remember this was to be my “liquid courage” and I guess I figured the more I drank the more “courage”…that or I was scared shitless and didn’t want to be cognizant of the event.
Well, sometime during my "getting my drink on", my friend woke up and came upstairs. I tried to play it off real casual and all…but I don’t think I did a good job as I was already getting pretty intoxicated by this point. The sequence of events after that are a bit blurry but it went a little something like this…I told her that I loved her (platonically, she is like my sister) and that I appreciated everything she had done for me, and I wished her much success and happiness, which is something one wouldn't normally do in a conversation so I am sure she was thinking something’s up…at another point I was standing on the hood of my car (in the rain) urging her not to go as she was pulling out of the driveway in her car…I guess she had never seen me in that condition and it freaked her out.
Home alone, I went downstairs, sat on the couch in front of the fireplace and loaded the gun. I set the gun on the table as I continued to pour myself shots of whiskey. I remember sitting there looking out the window into the dripping, cold,wet, overcast day thinking that it was a rather poetic setting for such a melancholic deed.
Well, my friend returned sometime thereafter to find me passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniels, that was now 2/3rds full, and the loaded gun on the coffee table in front of me. Obvoiusly alarmed, she called the IOP people who in turn called the police…the next thing I know I am in the back of an ambulance going to the Emergency Room to be admitted to the psych unit...the psych unit being another interesting story, in and of itself, for a later post.
Now my origianl point about the military...I know that was a long build-up but I promise it will come full cicle.
Shortly, after the psych unit experience, I was like I can't wait forever, so I said to hell with the military and moved down to Florida to pursue another opportunity that had presented itself.
So, I have not heard from the military over the last 2 ½ years but only once to inform me of the money that I owe them…so I am thinking, I’ll pay back the money over time and that is that and my obligation to the military will be fullfilled.
Well, several months ago I contacted the National Guard to see what opportunities were available on a part-time basis. After having to track my own records down, I was informed that I am still listed as Active Duty and am currently AWOL (absent without leave) as I was to have reported for duty back in April of 2005 and in fact, these were my second set of orders that they had issued because I did not report to my first assignment in Septermber of 2004. I never received either of those orders. Apparently, they sent them to an address that I haven’t had in 5 years but somehow they were able to send the bill for monies owed to the correct Florida address...ah bureaucracy at it's finest.
So, at this point I am like, ok, I am not getting anything really going in the civilian world and going active duty might not be such a bad thing…so they begin processing my paperwork to cut my orders and was told to be ready to go by Jan 11, 2006. Jan 11th came and went and no orders. Now I am being told, low and behold…it is being held up by a signature and they can’t tell me when it will be signed…"it could come back with a signature tomorrow or it could be several months down the road.” I am like are you fucking kidding me as I don't want to go down that road again.
It's like I am living a twisted version of Groundhog Day.
My first mistake was drinking (no make that guzzling) Jake Daniels when I had not really had much to eat for several days…remember this was to be my “liquid courage” and I guess I figured the more I drank the more “courage”…that or I was scared shitless and didn’t want to be cognizant of the event.
Well, sometime during my "getting my drink on", my friend woke up and came upstairs. I tried to play it off real casual and all…but I don’t think I did a good job as I was already getting pretty intoxicated by this point. The sequence of events after that are a bit blurry but it went a little something like this…I told her that I loved her (platonically, she is like my sister) and that I appreciated everything she had done for me, and I wished her much success and happiness, which is something one wouldn't normally do in a conversation so I am sure she was thinking something’s up…at another point I was standing on the hood of my car (in the rain) urging her not to go as she was pulling out of the driveway in her car…I guess she had never seen me in that condition and it freaked her out.
Home alone, I went downstairs, sat on the couch in front of the fireplace and loaded the gun. I set the gun on the table as I continued to pour myself shots of whiskey. I remember sitting there looking out the window into the dripping, cold,wet, overcast day thinking that it was a rather poetic setting for such a melancholic deed.
Well, my friend returned sometime thereafter to find me passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniels, that was now 2/3rds full, and the loaded gun on the coffee table in front of me. Obvoiusly alarmed, she called the IOP people who in turn called the police…the next thing I know I am in the back of an ambulance going to the Emergency Room to be admitted to the psych unit...the psych unit being another interesting story, in and of itself, for a later post.
Now my origianl point about the military...I know that was a long build-up but I promise it will come full cicle.
Shortly, after the psych unit experience, I was like I can't wait forever, so I said to hell with the military and moved down to Florida to pursue another opportunity that had presented itself.
So, I have not heard from the military over the last 2 ½ years but only once to inform me of the money that I owe them…so I am thinking, I’ll pay back the money over time and that is that and my obligation to the military will be fullfilled.
Well, several months ago I contacted the National Guard to see what opportunities were available on a part-time basis. After having to track my own records down, I was informed that I am still listed as Active Duty and am currently AWOL (absent without leave) as I was to have reported for duty back in April of 2005 and in fact, these were my second set of orders that they had issued because I did not report to my first assignment in Septermber of 2004. I never received either of those orders. Apparently, they sent them to an address that I haven’t had in 5 years but somehow they were able to send the bill for monies owed to the correct Florida address...ah bureaucracy at it's finest.
So, at this point I am like, ok, I am not getting anything really going in the civilian world and going active duty might not be such a bad thing…so they begin processing my paperwork to cut my orders and was told to be ready to go by Jan 11, 2006. Jan 11th came and went and no orders. Now I am being told, low and behold…it is being held up by a signature and they can’t tell me when it will be signed…"it could come back with a signature tomorrow or it could be several months down the road.” I am like are you fucking kidding me as I don't want to go down that road again.
It's like I am living a twisted version of Groundhog Day.
posted by Hopelessly Depressed at 11:51 AM
7 Comments:
About the drunken gun "incident", I'm glad you passed out. I'm living with depression too, today has been one of the worst in a long damn time, but I'm not feeling suicidal. Just try and hang on, if you have to do it minute by minute, then please do.
If you die, then I can't read your blog anymmore...:)
About the military,I was raised an Army brat and was Navy as a grown up Nurse and they are impossible to deal with! You HAVE to serve? Because if there is a way out of it and you don't want to go, then I wouldn't do it.
If you do want to go, good luck! :) I think it's very admirable of you to want to serve.
I know I'm a complete stranger, but if you ever need to talk, just reach out. I know what's it's like to be in this place and have no one who understands nor cares.
Hey James, thanks for reading my blog. Hope it's okay that I linked ya.
it's funny when you see "your" nickname, saying someone else's words...anyway, yes, keep posting
Ahhh.........I'm so relating to your story. I did the liquid courage thing too, and had a shot gun to my head a few years back. But thoughts of who I was leaving behind, friends/family, etc... left me laying there 'drunk' and with gun by my side.
Now? I can't believe I was there---but sometimes when you're at your lowest, the only way to go is UP... "IN LIFE"----so hang in there and keep blogging... get it all out and know that you're not alone.
LOL, get out of there, James! I would hate day care. The fact that you feel uncomfortable there means you're more sane than you think.
Booze, not a good plan, but whatever gets you through, hon.
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I'm glad you didn't do it. Remember, you are not alone.
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