100 Things about Me
I have never really been one to do the "100 Things about Me" or the "Tagged Thing" but seeing how I am more than likely going to be dead in the next few days, I thought I might do a more personal post so you could know more about me than just the depression that I have been writing about.
I have started the list and hopefully will have a chance to finish it.
1. I am anal retentive as hell
2. I am overly analytical
3. I love European Cars…Audi being my favorite
4. I love Le Mans style auto racing
5. I admire intelligence & beauty
6. I am insecure…from issues going back to my childhood and how I was raised
7. I love/admire/respect my Grandparents…they have been gone for over 2 years now
8. I was a combat medic in the Ohio Army National Guard
9. I still love Hair Metal…Poison, Warrant, White Lion and Motley Crue being some of my favorites
10. I love to cook and grill
11. I have a weakness for Williams-Sonoma
12. I love All-Clad cookware
13. I love Wusthof cutlery
14. I prefer micro-brewed beer to wine, but can appreciate a good wine with a good meal
15. I use hair products…American Crew...Forming Cream for all over and Fiber to make my hair stand up in the front
16. I am not gay...I am very heterosexual...but the question has come up more than a few times over the years
17. I enjoy a good cigar
18. I consider myself to be a Fiscal Republican/Social Democrat (I am registerd as a Republican)
19. I graduated from college with Honors
20. I was the Founding President of a Pre-Professional Fraternity in college
21. I don’t know how I graduated high school…honestly, I only remember studying for one exam during my entire time in high school…and the situation was that my History teacher told me that I needed to pass the final exam in order to pass the class and thus graduate…so, I studied with a good friend and a really attractive cheerleader…I remember thinking to myself, as we were studying at her house, that perhaps I had really missed out on something during high school…this “studying thing” was kinda’ neat.
22. I love romantic comedies
23. When Harry Met Sally is the standard by which all romantic comedies are to be judged...some of my other favorites are A Lot Like Love, Kissing a Fool and Before Sunset
24. My high school sweetheart's name was Jenny…she went to a Christian school and I was a product of the public school system.
25. “The one I let get away” is now married with a child...she went to a Catholic High School.
26. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 3 more years, broke up when we were 25 and were best friends for 4 years (our friends joked that we were like Will and Grace and I always felt the need to interject “but I am not gay”) then she met her fiance' and our friendship ended
27. I love to watch tennis…I came of age during the Sampras, Agassi, Courier, Chang era.
28. I had a big crush on Steffi Graff…I hold no ill will towards Andre since he stole my girl
29. I am a coffee snob…Starbucks French Roast being my favorite
30. I drink my coffee strong and black
31. A perfect Saturday morning for me is to be sitting in a coffee house on a sunny, cool, crisp fall morning reading and people watching…and of course enjoying a good cup of joe.
32. I first started drinking coffee during Army Basic Training, at Fort Knox, only because it offered warmth.
33. My favorite city is Columbus, Ohio
34. Columbus has a surprising number of coffee houses…Cup-O-Joe and Stauf’s being two of my favorites
35. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, and without going into too much detail, was leaving Columbus…I moved because of medical school...funny how the seemingly benign act of relocation can drastically alter one’s fate...the whole Butterfly Effect thing
36. I am neurotic to the core
37. In my life, I have pushed away too many attractive women and really good people because I was too focused on myself and my career…and now I don’t have my career or those great relationships.
38. My pride has gotten in the way too many times.
39. My first car was a ‘69 Camero
40. My first job was working at Wendy’s (Fast-food Hamburgers) during high school…I had some great times and have some great memories from that job...Jenny (my highschool sweetheart) also worked there.
41. I actually began working at Wendy’s because my father said I had to “get a job.” The reason being is because I was expelled from school during my sophomore year.
42. During college I worked as a patient care technician on an orthopedic unit…again, some great times and memories…in fact, I think this was one of the happiest periods of my life.
43. I thought I would be so much further along at this point in my life.
44. I wear glasses.
45. It took me almost 6 months before I found the perfect pair of eyeglasses
46. I almost got a tattoo once…this was right after high school and the situation was a friend and myself had been drinking and decided that we were going to get one but when we went to the tattoo parlor they were closed...if they weren't, I would be walking around with either a rose on my shoulder or barberd wire around my bicep.
47. My two cousins are like my brothers…I love them very much.
48. I have never been married nor do I have any children...this is by choice
49. I like going to the movies by myself
50. I often look at other people/total strangers and idealize their lives…you know…that person has a great career and family and is happy and enjoying their lives…blah, blah, blah
51. I have worked as a volunteer for an AIDS Foundation and in an Emergency Room
52. I won several bodybuilding competitions as a teenager, held one title and even qualified for Nationals.
53. I was a personal trainer
54. I always wanted to get into photography (black and white) of the human form/nudes
55. My favorite photographer is Gabriele Rigon, he is incredible...his work can be found at www.gabrielerigon.it
55. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar
56. I like to visit museums
57. I tried to pick up the game of golf…it was too slow and frustrating…I much prefer tennis.
58. I love to grocery shop at Whole Foods and open air markets.
59. I fear that I am going to spend the rest of my life “always searching” and being “unfulfilled.”
60. In high school I had aspirations to be an architect, when I first started college I thought I wanted to be a physical therapist, I went on to medical school to be a doctor, but now I am lost.
61. I have OCD
62. I have ADD
63.I have been dealing with depression for most of my adult life but only over the last three years has it become debilitating.
64. I fear and welcome death
65. I miss my idealism
66. On two seperate instances I have "motivated" or been a "major infuleuce" for people to pursue a higher education...in one instance it was a friend, who was so inspired about my passion to go to medical school, she decided to go to law school and the other was a friend who I met in medical school and was thinking of dropping-out but she decided to stay...now one is a Lawyer and the other is a Doctor and I am screwed!
67. I really hate being this bitter person that I have become
68. My favorite ice cream is Hagen Dazs vanilla...with Hersheys chocolate syrup
69. I am a Diet Coke person
71. I have on two separate occasions in my life picked up a homeless person who was sitting on the side of the road with a cardboard sign asking for help…on each occasion I took them to a fast food place and told them to order whatever they wanted. They were both very thankful…one guy was a Vietnam Vet and he sung me a song he wrote…it was quite good…the other guy told me he had lost his wife and his “life just fell apart.” I returned them each to the spot where I had picked them up.
72. I fear that I may be homeless one day
73. I am the world's worst speller
74. I am materialistic
75. My favorite meal is breakfast...I especially love overly-indulgent, lazy Sunday breakfasts...I prefer french toast to pancakes...sausage links to patties...and the syrup must be pure maple syrup
76. I hate OJ from concentrate
77. I enjoy cleaning and find it to be very therapeutic...the whole immediate gratification thing
77. I love live jazz
78. I gave the eulogy at my Grandfather's funeral
79. I have always wanted to drive on the Autobahn
80.
I have started the list and hopefully will have a chance to finish it.
1. I am anal retentive as hell
2. I am overly analytical
3. I love European Cars…Audi being my favorite
4. I love Le Mans style auto racing
5. I admire intelligence & beauty
6. I am insecure…from issues going back to my childhood and how I was raised
7. I love/admire/respect my Grandparents…they have been gone for over 2 years now
8. I was a combat medic in the Ohio Army National Guard
9. I still love Hair Metal…Poison, Warrant, White Lion and Motley Crue being some of my favorites
10. I love to cook and grill
11. I have a weakness for Williams-Sonoma
12. I love All-Clad cookware
13. I love Wusthof cutlery
14. I prefer micro-brewed beer to wine, but can appreciate a good wine with a good meal
15. I use hair products…American Crew...Forming Cream for all over and Fiber to make my hair stand up in the front
16. I am not gay...I am very heterosexual...but the question has come up more than a few times over the years
17. I enjoy a good cigar
18. I consider myself to be a Fiscal Republican/Social Democrat (I am registerd as a Republican)
19. I graduated from college with Honors
20. I was the Founding President of a Pre-Professional Fraternity in college
21. I don’t know how I graduated high school…honestly, I only remember studying for one exam during my entire time in high school…and the situation was that my History teacher told me that I needed to pass the final exam in order to pass the class and thus graduate…so, I studied with a good friend and a really attractive cheerleader…I remember thinking to myself, as we were studying at her house, that perhaps I had really missed out on something during high school…this “studying thing” was kinda’ neat.
22. I love romantic comedies
23. When Harry Met Sally is the standard by which all romantic comedies are to be judged...some of my other favorites are A Lot Like Love, Kissing a Fool and Before Sunset
24. My high school sweetheart's name was Jenny…she went to a Christian school and I was a product of the public school system.
25. “The one I let get away” is now married with a child...she went to a Catholic High School.
26. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 3 more years, broke up when we were 25 and were best friends for 4 years (our friends joked that we were like Will and Grace and I always felt the need to interject “but I am not gay”) then she met her fiance' and our friendship ended
27. I love to watch tennis…I came of age during the Sampras, Agassi, Courier, Chang era.
28. I had a big crush on Steffi Graff…I hold no ill will towards Andre since he stole my girl
29. I am a coffee snob…Starbucks French Roast being my favorite
30. I drink my coffee strong and black
31. A perfect Saturday morning for me is to be sitting in a coffee house on a sunny, cool, crisp fall morning reading and people watching…and of course enjoying a good cup of joe.
32. I first started drinking coffee during Army Basic Training, at Fort Knox, only because it offered warmth.
33. My favorite city is Columbus, Ohio
34. Columbus has a surprising number of coffee houses…Cup-O-Joe and Stauf’s being two of my favorites
35. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, and without going into too much detail, was leaving Columbus…I moved because of medical school...funny how the seemingly benign act of relocation can drastically alter one’s fate...the whole Butterfly Effect thing
36. I am neurotic to the core
37. In my life, I have pushed away too many attractive women and really good people because I was too focused on myself and my career…and now I don’t have my career or those great relationships.
38. My pride has gotten in the way too many times.
39. My first car was a ‘69 Camero
40. My first job was working at Wendy’s (Fast-food Hamburgers) during high school…I had some great times and have some great memories from that job...Jenny (my highschool sweetheart) also worked there.
41. I actually began working at Wendy’s because my father said I had to “get a job.” The reason being is because I was expelled from school during my sophomore year.
42. During college I worked as a patient care technician on an orthopedic unit…again, some great times and memories…in fact, I think this was one of the happiest periods of my life.
43. I thought I would be so much further along at this point in my life.
44. I wear glasses.
45. It took me almost 6 months before I found the perfect pair of eyeglasses
46. I almost got a tattoo once…this was right after high school and the situation was a friend and myself had been drinking and decided that we were going to get one but when we went to the tattoo parlor they were closed...if they weren't, I would be walking around with either a rose on my shoulder or barberd wire around my bicep.
47. My two cousins are like my brothers…I love them very much.
48. I have never been married nor do I have any children...this is by choice
49. I like going to the movies by myself
50. I often look at other people/total strangers and idealize their lives…you know…that person has a great career and family and is happy and enjoying their lives…blah, blah, blah
51. I have worked as a volunteer for an AIDS Foundation and in an Emergency Room
52. I won several bodybuilding competitions as a teenager, held one title and even qualified for Nationals.
53. I was a personal trainer
54. I always wanted to get into photography (black and white) of the human form/nudes
55. My favorite photographer is Gabriele Rigon, he is incredible...his work can be found at www.gabrielerigon.it
55. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar
56. I like to visit museums
57. I tried to pick up the game of golf…it was too slow and frustrating…I much prefer tennis.
58. I love to grocery shop at Whole Foods and open air markets.
59. I fear that I am going to spend the rest of my life “always searching” and being “unfulfilled.”
60. In high school I had aspirations to be an architect, when I first started college I thought I wanted to be a physical therapist, I went on to medical school to be a doctor, but now I am lost.
61. I have OCD
62. I have ADD
63.I have been dealing with depression for most of my adult life but only over the last three years has it become debilitating.
64. I fear and welcome death
65. I miss my idealism
66. On two seperate instances I have "motivated" or been a "major infuleuce" for people to pursue a higher education...in one instance it was a friend, who was so inspired about my passion to go to medical school, she decided to go to law school and the other was a friend who I met in medical school and was thinking of dropping-out but she decided to stay...now one is a Lawyer and the other is a Doctor and I am screwed!
67. I really hate being this bitter person that I have become
68. My favorite ice cream is Hagen Dazs vanilla...with Hersheys chocolate syrup
69. I am a Diet Coke person
71. I have on two separate occasions in my life picked up a homeless person who was sitting on the side of the road with a cardboard sign asking for help…on each occasion I took them to a fast food place and told them to order whatever they wanted. They were both very thankful…one guy was a Vietnam Vet and he sung me a song he wrote…it was quite good…the other guy told me he had lost his wife and his “life just fell apart.” I returned them each to the spot where I had picked them up.
72. I fear that I may be homeless one day
73. I am the world's worst speller
74. I am materialistic
75. My favorite meal is breakfast...I especially love overly-indulgent, lazy Sunday breakfasts...I prefer french toast to pancakes...sausage links to patties...and the syrup must be pure maple syrup
76. I hate OJ from concentrate
77. I enjoy cleaning and find it to be very therapeutic...the whole immediate gratification thing
77. I love live jazz
78. I gave the eulogy at my Grandfather's funeral
79. I have always wanted to drive on the Autobahn
80.
posted by Hopelessly Depressed at 2:05 PM
29 Comments:
why will you be dead in a couple days?
how then, will you ever learn to play the guitar? what about your cousins?
Joyce,
I just have been so frustrated and disgusted with how my life has played out over the last three years since leaving medical school. I have essentially been unable to get a good job because of the big "medical school failure" on my resume.
I no longer like myself and what this whole depression thing has done to me and my life. I used to be someone who laughed often and really enjoyed life with all of it's possibilites and wonders. I haven't known happiness in such a long time and don't see that changing any time soon. Life is meant to be lived...and I very much lived my life in the past...but I have only existed during the last three years...this is not what I want out of life. Life is precious and all I am doing is wasting it.
I just keep coming back to death as the only answer. I know I have talked about depression, death and suicide alot on this blog and blogging about it has helped me sort things out. Believe me, although it may sound like it, but I don't have a death wish...I just can no longer live this life without a major change in the very near future...I am at my limit.
Is this a cry for help...perhaps...because I am scared shitless...maybe I am hoping this will facilitate the miracle that I have been praying for. I just need to put a time limit on this...I just can't keep wandering aimlessly for the rest of my life.
This is not the life I wanted and worked so hard for...it is not even close. I am giving myself a few more days as I have been planning this for a week now, to see if a fucking miracle can happen...God knows that I have prayed for it...I am just trying to make peace with it and trying to tie up any loose ends.
I am very much someone who put a lot of my identity in my career choice...that is now gone and I have been trying to fill that void without any success. I am someone that needs to be passionate about what he does...If anyone knows of any job openings that would offer some satisfaction and be "fullfilling" I am very open to listening.
-James
James! How old are you? I'm a med school drop out too!
And, I'm in my last year of law school. I also spent most of my adult life depressed.
But, once I figured out the colossal scam that is our monetary system I was finally able to realize how much my life is really worth. Of course, having my son also helped a lot, too. But, I'm also divorced, so no happy ending there.
You can't give up, man. We need you. There's lots of work to be done.
The miracle is YOU.
if you have depression, do you really think that a job is the answer?
is that what it would take to make you feel like living again?
what else are you passionate about?
James,
Why do you feel like a career has to define who you are? My depression has also affected my career as a nurse, but only in the sense that I hate having to do it. So I'm looking for ways to stop doing it. When you feel like you have nothing to live for, why not remember those that love you. Those who would be heartbroken and devastated at losing you. If you can't care about yourself enough to live, care enough for them.
First of all…#71 touched me---about the homeless person. You’re here for a purpose. Look how you help others!
A job doesn’t make you…”YOU” make the job. I’m going to give you a scripture from the bible that “helped me”…Whether you are a Christian, Jew, a Muslim or any other religion---this may help. Just get the gist of what I’m trying to get across—because I was once suicidal and going to God and praying SAVED my life.
Ecclesiastes 5:10-12 Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness! The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what is the advantage of wealth—except perhaps to watch it run through your fingers! People who work hard sleep well, whether they eat little or much. But the rich are always worrying and seldom get a good night’s sleep.
Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat well, drink a good glass of wine, and enjoy their work—whatever they do under the sun—for however long God lets them live.
And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—that is indeed a gift from God. People who do this rarely look with sorrow on the past, for God has given them reasons for joy.
The more money you make, the more problems it seems to cause sometimes. Wealth certainly doesn’t bring you happiness. So many people think that money and a terrific career will bring true happiness.
My life gets those ‘lulls’. I go through really bad depressions---to the point of really wanting to end it. Then I think, “Wow, I can’t be that selfish.” People will be affected by that.
It’s also a fact that the people who survive a suicide attempt say that the last few seconds they decided they didn’t want to do it. But it was too late, and usually they end up really injured or paralyzed depending on the circumstances.
God gave you a life. It’s like slapping Him in the face if you make this grim choice.
My only advice would be---to pray—meditate and ask God to help you.
Psalm: 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.
I hope I’m not imposing my faith and beliefs on you—but I know what you’re going through. The emotional pain is so much worse than a physical pain. Believe me, I have sat in my house and cried for DAYS. My own freaky psychiatrist doesn’t believe I’m depressed because when I go into his office, I’m all cried out. So I’m screwed. (joke)
If you ever need to talk—please feel free to email me or message me on aol—which is debd0tcom …and my email address is dtimagery@hotmail.com.
Be well. Take care of yourself. Sorry for the long comment.
Not to make you feel bad or anything, but I drove a mercedes benz at Christmas time. I want one so bad. Unfortunately, they are out of my price range.
I promise you, if you commit suicide, you're going to feel worse than you do now. That's all I can say. Some things you have to go through, not over or under and this is one of them.
You'll regret it. I know this.
#50 really resonates with me. I used to do this as a child. Imagining what it would be like be like to be someone else's kid, someone else's sister. Used to tell people I was adopted because I hated my family. I don't do it anymore because I realized that if I can put on the facade that everything is aok, then maybe all these others are doing the same.
It's odd how we view others. I see your failure as better than any accomplishment I've ever had because at least you put yourself out there and tried. I've never had the courage or desire to even try anything.
I hope that you will find something within yourself to keep you here with us. I know I don't know you, other than what I've read from your posts, but the thought of never reading another one of your posts is saddening.
Please take care of you!
Sid
James,
Please hang in there. Life is not always easy or clear cut. I have been way down & way up. Things can improve. There is always something you can do to make a difference in the lives of others. That you can see from your list.
God bless and keep the faith.
Theresa
Your list includes the phrase "I still love" at least once. That seems like reason enough to live.
Good point about the butterfly effect, I'm going to think about it.
Death is never the answer. It's final, no more tomorrows. Give yourself more tomorrows.
I really enjoyed reading your 100 Things.
Hang in there... I know... depression sucks ass!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
If ya think living on this earth is hell enough for ya, then imagine what dying must be like. They say that people who commit suicide go to hell.
Stick it out brother! Really! It's so not worth it. There are better thing out there waiting for you. You just have to tap into them.
I like Van Morrison myself.
also Motown.
My favorite meal used to be steak. But now it's spaghetti with salad and french bread. And red kool-aid.
James, I hope to hear from you here soon. What you say matters to me.
James are you ok?
Okay, there is this gay guy, his names sounds like augmenton or something and he wrote a very funny, although supremely vulgar (which is why I didn't finish it) book about his life and he talks about how he knew he was adopted and it made me laugh out loud.
Speaking of laughing, you should go to BCC, you would wet your pants.
I am now going to begin to tell you 100 things about me.
1. I have four dogs (we, that is) and our newest is a little jack russell puppy named Toby. He can jump and prance and walk on his hind legs and he has terrible gas and I have to keep the freshener around so people don't think it's me.
Hey James,
Just checking in on you. We haven't heard from you in a while. Hope your feeling better. If you need to talk, feel free to email me.
Anna
PLEASE, don't give up. I also had to leave school, way back when, and also had a depressive episode. I managed to find a good therapist and worked through many things. I hope that you can do this as well. There can be light, and there can be new identities to be forged.
James, from you site here, I went to Dr. Deb's site who gave the above comment. There was a wealth of information that I may not have seen were it not for your link.
Please be well. Please check in with us here at your blog soon. Even if you do not have anything new to say or tell, it would be so welcoming to hear from you and know that your are okay.
Reluctantly, I am still here. It seems that everytime over the last several weeks when I sink to that lowest point possible, a small glimmer of hope presents itself and keeps me from going over the edge. It is not much to go on but it is something.
I just don't know why it is so hard to find a decent job. I clearly chose the wrong degree...a biology degree isn't worth much more than the paper it is printed on.
I am still very angry and bitter about how my life has played out...and I just don't like being that angry and bitter person...it's just not who I am.
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. Now I feel guilty for still being alive after saying that I would likely be dead soon. I didn't do it for attention or anything...at the time I really thought and hoped I would be dead by now. I am sorry if I worried any of you.
Glad yhour still with us. I was concerened.
James, I am so glad that you check in with us. Please keep us informed of how you are doing both the good and the bad. We care about your welfare.
2. I thought this was three, but oh well.
When I was a little girl, Nikita Kruschev came through the little Nevada town I lived in. Our teacher told us he was the king, or maybe that's what I heard, I was 7 or 8.
I was expecting a gold coach and horse and a handsome prince. I felt so gypped as I stood there, waving my flag, at a short fat bald guy in a big black car. I think he was going to Reno.
3. Today you get two. I am married to Monk's evil twin. You could also say Felix Unger. He is married to Oscar.
Havn't read any of the comments by the way..
Yeh I'm not going to say I understand or can relate. But I am really depressed Myself and its fucked up my life pretty bad. I would rather die than be this way , but I keep hope and would personaly never kill myself.
Its mostly the place I live and the people , but I can't leave and it makes me feel powerless. I never knew I was depressed untill I went to Canada for 6 months because I could not handle it here anymore. I knew something was wrong but could not put a name besides it , but I wasn't me thats all I knew...
Fuck Depression! Don't kill yourself. Don't become a statistic.
I personaly love metal music , allot of people thinks it makes one angry and depressed , but everyone has to find what works for them. Metal helps me let go.
Good luck , don't kill Yourself , You're not allone , there are many depressed people out there. Goodluck and Hope You get better and find a job You like.
add My msn address , would be nice to talk to You sometime.
here it is: Dassie88@hotmail.com
bye.
You haven't finished ur 100 things about you, can't leave us with a cliff hanger like that can you?
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